If you don't have anything nice to say...

Can I get an AMEN!?  Yes!?... No? No.  Ok, fine.

So, I've noticed everyone is mean.  And I thought about writing a really insightful post about how we should all learn to get alone*, and all that peace nonsense.  But then I realized... I'm not very nice either.  Well, ok, I am.  But I like to think of myself as a mean bitch, even while I bend over backwards to be nice and helpful.  In my head, I'm really thinking, "Fuck you. You stupid skank."

See? I can be mean too.

I've forgotten where this is going.  I am going to create an ADD label for posts.  If I can remember to do so.

Whatever.

UPDATE/EDIT:  I was editing this post and found this typo and went to change it to "along", but I've decided better of it...

Random Thoughts on Mustaches

Ashley, the dictator-I mean coordinator-of our blog told me to write about "Mustaches". So here it goes...

What exactly is a Mustache? And what happened to spelling it Moustache, with an O?

Mustache can be spelled as such or as Moustache.

"A moustache (US/ˈmʌstæʃ/ or UK /məˈstɑːʃ/; American English: mustache)[1] is facial hair grown on the outer surface of the upper lip." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moustache)

I guess it's cool for a boy or man to be able to grow hair on their upper lip. I know I've heard various males get teased if they're not able to grow a mustache or beard in a fairly quick amount of time. I guess it's something that comes along with true manhood or some other sort of obnoxious concept that men actually believe and teach other little men.

I learned a lot on Wikipedia about Mustaches. It originates from, like, 10 different languages. Seriously. It's a run-on sentence of explanation. I'm saying this stuff from memory, but it was something like: "Mustache originated from the French word mostafa which originated from the Italian word mostafo which originated from the Greek word moustafio which originated from the Latin word mopistachio which originated from the Pagan Summer Solstice interpretive dance of mousse lipe which originated from the Stone Age cave drawings of mustachelip." Don't quote me on those words in italics or the languages. I just wanted to give you an idea of how far back the term Mustache really goes. If you want to read it for yourself, click on the Wikipedia link above.

Mustaches can be pretty amazing fashion statements or just the boring "hair on the guy's upper lip next door". Let's look at some pictures of Mustaches and the pros and cons of each style.

the "Pencil"

Pros: this mustache is sleek and tells all the available bachelorettes, "pencil me in on your date calendar, honey". least grooming time required.

Cons: teasing due to minimal hair growth may occur. may mistakenly be assumed to be an "I passed out at that party last night and those losers drew on my face with a Sharpie" piece of art. looks like a third lip if you already have thin lips.

the "Dali"

Pros: this moustache will always draw attention to your eyes, and will help your face look more appealing because it will always seem like your upper lip (at the very least) is smiling in a hairy-sort-of-way. minimal grooming required. gel or glue may be necessary to keep it perky.

Cons: the middle of this mustache looks like you had a run-in with a candle while you were hairspraying it into its upright position, or you were listening to "Ice Ice Baby" too many times and thought it'd be cool to pull a Vanilla Ice eyebrow trick on your upper lip.

the "Hitler"

Pros: if you have a secret wish to get your ass beat by Americans and pretty much anyone else, grow this 'stache.

Cons: how much time do I have?

the "Mexican"

Pros: If you have thick, wavy locks and a grandpa named Miguel, this is the mustache for you. It'll make the mamis squeal "Ay, papi!" when you come strutting around in your poncho.

Cons: the use of this mustache may cause someone to call the Border Patrol. If you're lucky, someone might ask you "¿Dónde está el baño?" or "Can you make-o me some-o tacos, per faver?" Don't be sportin' it if you're a gringo.

the "English"

Pros: grand fashion statement, as in, "Look at the f**kin' mustache on my face!"

Icebreaker when at parties, as in guests exclaiming, "That's a huge f**kin' mustache on your face!"

You can hide little pieces of food in it for discreetly eating later.

Cons: takes at least 30 minutes to groom each day, having to condition, brush, and remove those pieces of food you forgot to eat while in your drunken stupor at the bar & grill the night before

the "Chickstache"

Pros: a much less expensive way to bury your feminity and shout out your preferred masculinity and avoid the cutting associated with major sex reassignment surgery

Cons: not advised if you want to save money on waxing, or if you'd like to find a suitable husband while you're young

In conclusion, Mustaches can be cool in any language and any style, but can also be a gross misappropriation of body hair. Choose wisely. Your mustache can tell someone a lot about your fashion sense, your aspirations and goals, and your general amount of man(or woman)hood.

My phone is pissing me off. A conversation.

Ashley:

Let's discuss Mariah Carey for a moment. What is with that high pitched bird screech she does? Wait. Let me get back on topic. There was a much longer rant about it, but Jessica was talking way too fast.

Also, she's a grammar Nazi. I thought about putting an e in grammar just so she had something to correct.

Jessica:

What the fuck is our topic, anyway? How the hell can I think of something to contribute to a post about nothing except my righteous dislike of Mariah Carey's obnoxious inclusion of weird bird trilling noises in an otherwise utterly forgettable song. I don't care if you CAN, bitch. SHUT. UP. Oh and my grammar nazi-ism. What good shit we have here.

Ashley:

Exactly. I only listen to Ace of Base and Michael Jackson.

(Pause.)

Don't judge me.

Quotes of the Week

"Hey, yo! I'm competing in the sexolympics tonight! Where's my protection!? My man's going for the gold medal in blindfolded skeet shooting!"

"You need to put on your safari suit and jump on the sex rover!"

It's abusive...

F*ing Facebook....

Dr. Suess

I love this Auto Correct so much! It's like a twisted, perverted Dr. Suess lyric! It's exceptional!

Pillow Talk

This was necessary to keep as a memento:

Jessica Brinleyposted toAshley Motzenbecker

I've got my sleeping bag, pj's, toothbrush, nail polish, and vodka. Am I forgetting anything?

 ·  · See Friendship · 2 hours ago

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    Jodie Kilpatrick what are you doing?! cheaters!
    

    2 hours ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker I can't believe you asked me this on facebook, thinking I might be timely. lol Sounds fantastic!
    

    29 minutes ago · 
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    Jodie Kilpatrick you gals didn't answer my question! if you're going to cheat, at least be up front about it! hahahahahaha
    

    13 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker We are having a sleepover!
    

    13 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker hahahahaha
    

    13 minutes ago · 
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    Jodie Kilpatrick figured so, by the laundry list up there...unless you're going to some weird strip club!
    

    12 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker lol!
    

    11 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker An excellent idea. I'll have to get started on a pajama strip club, that includes semi-nude mani/pedi's, flossing and shots of vodka!
    

    9 minutes ago ·  ·  1 person
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    Ashley Motzenbecker OMG! I am laughing so hard at the thought of that! I can barely breathe!
    

    8 minutes ago · 
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    Remove CommentMark as Spam

    Jodie Kilpatrick yeah! you can call it "pillow talk"
    

    8 minutes ago ·  ·  1 person
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    Ashley Motzenbecker SWEET!
    

    8 minutes ago · 
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    Jodie Kilpatrick butt floss or mint floss?
    

    7 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker LMAO!
    

    5 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker Seems like we should have both...
    

    5 minutes ago · 
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    Jodie Kilpatrick well only the best stripper would have the gluteus maximus control to floss a patron's teeth with the floss she's wearing...
    

    3 minutes ago · 
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    Ashley Motzenbecker We will indeed have excellent strippers. No sense in doing this half-way.
    

    2 minutes ago ·